


The Heart Wants What It Wants...

by SilentlyFighting



Series: One Shots! (5sos) [7]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angry Luke, Cheeky Ashton, Comforting Calum, Confused Luke, F/M, Fainting, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Luke, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Confusion, Teasing, cheeky Michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 19:08:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6296473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentlyFighting/pseuds/SilentlyFighting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke is confused.<br/>Things he once did no longer appeal to him.<br/>But when a stranger, that fast becomes a close friend, gives him the answers he seeks, is he ready to come to terms with them? Is he ready for the consequences that saying it out loud could bring up?</p><p>The stress of hiding gets to him and he gets hurt but the boys are there to pick him back up when he falls and confessions happen and the truth comes out. When all is said and done and everything looks like its finally going to be ok...well Luke has a plan but what does it entail?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart Wants What It Wants...

I sigh as I lean back against the wall and wait for the other three to finish their flirt-fest so that we can go to the bus. Now, don’t get me wrong, at one point in time,  I probably would have happily joined in and more than likely found a girl easy enough to give me anything but recently I just can’t bring myself to do it. I always knew it was wrong so it isn’t that...but now I can’t even look over at the girls who are desperately adjusting their tops in hurried attempts to get my attention, it makes my skin crawl. The boys are willingly being caught up in that and I can’t help but think – what have we become?

Eventually I get bored of waiting and start to walk away without them, I can’t stand it anymore. As I reach the halfway point of my journey to the bus I hear three pairs of feet running up behind me.

“Hey, where you going Lucifer? Couldn’t you get any game?” Michael jokes as he slings an arm over my shoulder and pulls me down into a loose headlock to ruffle my hair. We are still in range of a few fans, but his teasing tests my last nerve and I can’t help the next words out of my mouth.

“Fuck off Michael, just because you three can’t keep it in your pants doesn’t mean everyone has to be like that.” I growl as I push him away and keep walking as they freeze, shocked by my outburst.

When I reach the bus, I kick my shoes off and lie back on the couch as I await the boy’s arrival. It takes longer than I expected it to, but eventually they shuffle in and find a space around the sitting area as the bus rumbles to life and begins to move under us.

“You don’t mean that Lukey.” Ash whines sadly as he tries to guilt trip me into saying sorry.

I roll my eyes before turning my attention to my phone as I send my mum a text to let her know how my day has been and to ask about what has been going on back home, but soon I have a finger prodding me in the cheek repetitively.

“Poke me one more time and I am throwing you off this bus, moving or not.” I grumble.

“Lukey, we’re sorry for whatever we did.” Calum pouts at me.

When I ignore him,  he goes to poke me but I grab his hand and shove him away. I get up and escape to my bunk, where I shut the curtain harshly and curl up facing away from the walkway.

I hear a sigh from one of them before someone quietly mumbles, “He’ll probably be better in the morning. Lets leave him alone for now.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, when I wake up, I can hear the others laughing and joking around in the back room. I reluctantly get up after half an hour of wishing I could stay here all day and drag myself through the bus - my bladder apparently doesn’t wish to cooperate with my wishes and demands to be emptied.

I drop down onto a seat in the backroom shortly after.

“Morning Luke.” Ashton greets me when he notices my presence. I give him a greeting of some sort, not in the least bit bothered with socialising right now. “How are you feeling?”

“Like you’re asking me too many questions.” I mumble to myself but I feel like even that was too loud. “I’m fine Ash, I just want to be left alone.” I reply properly this time.

He gives me a sceptical look before they go back to doing whatever it was they were doing before I came in. I play on my phone as thoughts run through my head and soon we are pulling up outside of a hotel as guards hold back fans so we can get in.

As I walk slowly behind the others I hear a few people call out my name and give them small waves as I pretend not to see them beckon me over afterwards. Its harsh but I cant focus enough to give them decent photos so I just pretend that I haven’t seen them waving me over. I get my room key from Ash who is sharing with me this time and we immediately go up to our room.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Lukey?” Ashton asks from where he sits cross legged on his bed, having been studying me for the past 5 minutes.

I roll my head to look at him as I lie back and hold my phone above my face. “What are you on about?”

“You're not acting like you usually do...something is up.” He replies. “What is it that is making you act so weird with everyone?”

“It's nothing.” I grumble as I turn over onto my front and continue scrolling through tweets.

“You know you can tell me anything right...I wont judge you.” He murmurs.

“Tell you what Ash? That I am losing my mind and I can’t figure out my life right now? Totally something I should tell someone who has a past of slitting his wrists.” I snap.

I see him flinch out of the corner of my eye at the harshness of my words as I drop my head forward to lean against my arms.

“Luke, stop being a brat for a second and tell me what the fuck has you so worked up.” Ashton growls from where he is now stood on the other side of his bed with his arms crossed.

His words set something off in me and the next thing I know I am lobbing my phone at his head with everything I have, not even caring if it breaks. “Leave me the fuck alone.” I shout at him as he narrowly dodges the thrown device.

I shove my face down against the bedding as I use my arms to cover my head. Not long after I hear two voices demanding to be let in and shuffling before the door is pulled open.

“What the fuck happened to his phone?” Michael asks in shock having probably seen my now thoroughly broken phone.

“He threw it at me.” Ashton simply replies. “What did you want anyway?” He asks tiredly as I hear him drop down onto his bed.

“He threw it at –“Calum cuts himself off as I feel eyes on me. “Anything else you would like to say? Like why he is basically suffocating himself right now.”

“I don’t even know what is going on with him.” Ashton mumbles. “I asked why he was acting off and he started getting riled up so I just said that he could tell me and I wouldn’t judge him and all that and he just went off on one.”

“I already know that there’s more to it than that so finish your story.” Michael sighs as another body hits the other bed.

“He hit a nerve I guess so I confronted him, called him a brat and demanded an answer. Next thing I know I have a phone flying in my direction – which may I add, narrowly missed my head – and when I focus back on him this is all I get” He finishes as I feel everyone watching me.

“Luke...” Michael starts.

“Fuck off.” I growl into the covers.

Just when I think they will finally get the message, I feel hands grab me and I am hauled up and over onto my back as two people hold my arms and Calum is right in front of my face.

“Whatever game you think you’re playing, stop it now and let us in.” He growls. “We are trying to help you but throwing a tantrum will solve nothing. If you want to act like a child then we can treat you like one. So behave like an adult and talk to us.”

I silently watch for a moment as he seethes in anger. They may be older than me and want to protect me but this is just making me angry skyrocket again and I think Ashton can tell as his grip tightens on my arm.

“Mind your own business” I spit before wrestling my way out of their grip and shoving past Calum as I walk away from then and out of the door.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time I get back to my hotel room I can barely walk in a straight line and I probably look pretty rough but I can’t bring myself to care. I stumble through the door and arms are instantly halting my ungraceful fall to the ground.

“Woah, steady there Lukey.” Michael laughs as he pulls me up to stand properly but I am still leaning heavily on him.

He basically drags me over to my bed before dropping me down. I slither up the bed until my head is on the pillow before I am out like a light.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day is a day off luckily as I wake up at around 2 in the afternoon. I can hear movement but not much which indicates it’s just Ashton in the room right now. I grumble a few choice words to myself as I use the duvet to cover my head from the light and ignore Ashton when he scoffs at my obvious distress.

Unfortunately, as soon as my body registers that I am awake, my stomach gives a violet roll and I can feel whatever it is in my stomach coming up to make a reappearance leaving me in a dash to the bathroom to reach the toilet in time.

Eventually I run out of things to bring up as I flush the toilet and brush away the taste. I take some pain killers before making my way back to bed.  I hear the voices of the other two but I ignore it as I make my way back to my bed and pull the covers back over my head.

I grumble pitifully when the covers are lifted again but quiet down when arms are wrapped around my waist as a face nuzzles into my neck. “Sleep Lukey, we’ll talk later.” Calum whispers softly before I give in and fall back to sleep.

When I wake up next I can feel a hand gently running through my hair as I lean on whoever’s chest.

“It's just frustrating, I want to help him but every time anyone mentions anything he flies of the handle and does something stupid.” Ashton mumbles.

“That’s how Luke is though, he’ll keep pushing you away until he has no other choice and only then does he give out any detail as to what is going on.” Michael replies.

I whimper slightly but Calum shushes me gently when I start to wriggle. “Calm down, you're fine.” He murmurs against my temple.

“I’m sorry.” I mumble after a while of silence.

“We know you are.” Calum mumbles. “We just wish you would let us into that head of yours sometimes so we wouldn’t end up like this.”

I hum to indicate I heard before moving off of Calum's chest and laying down by his side with my head turned away. I hear Calum sigh before he rolls onto his side and puts an arm across my back.

“Is this about the other day...with the fans?” He asks carefully.

“Not exactly.” I reply.

“So it was before then?” Michael prompts.

I shrug softly. “Something like that.”

“Is it how we sometimes use the fans?” Ashton asks guiltily

“No, not exactly.”

I hear a sigh before Calum speaks again. “Tell us please Lukey; we can’t help you if we don’t know what’s going on.”

I sit up against the headboard and think over my words carefully before beginning. “I don’t know what happened, one day I could happily join in with you and probably find someone to spend the night with but recently I couldn’t even look at them knowing what they wanted. It felt...wrong.”

“What do you mean by wrong?” Michael asks when I pause.

“I don’t know exactly. It didn’t feel right, it kind of felt like I was betraying someone or something.” I mumble, confused by my own statement. “I looked at them and the way they looked at me made my skin crawl, I couldn’t do it.”

“Lukey, I wanna ask you something but promise you won’t throw something else at me.” Ashton speaks up.

I turn my head to face him suspiciously but nod slowly.

“Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not the act that you dont like, that maybe it’s them that doesn’t appeal to you anymore?” He asks carefully.

I stay quiet as I think over his question, I get the gist of where he is going but I am not sure that I want to understand.

“What are you suggesting Ashton?”

“He is basically saying that maybe the whole act of sleeping with the girls was something you used to like but now that has changed – maybe somebody caught your eye or maybe the fact that it’s a girl – “I cut Michael off.

“You think that I’m g-“

Calum cuts me off by putting his hand over my mouth. “That’s not exactly what he is saying but it is a possibility. Sexuality is fluid after all. Maybe you did like girls once and now they don’t appeal to you anymore because now your heart wants something else...we’re not saying you are, we’re just saying that it could be what is going on.”

I stay quiet as I think over the information I am being told, I don’t want to believe it but something about it sounds comforting in a way – as if I just found my answer and now I just need to come to terms with it...but I can’t. I shake my head softly before looking up and meeting the eyes of each of them.

“No.” I state before getting up and leaving them in favour of searching for the menu for room service.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week later and I have been avoiding any topic that wasn’t work related and I know that the boys have definitely noticed but I can’t help it, it is my defence mechanism to shut everything out and the boys know this so when I step foot on the bus I am grabbed and shoved down into a seat in the back room.

“What the fuck guys!” I exclaim.

“Did you think we wouldn’t notice that you have avoided talking to anyone about anything other than work? Or, that you have been disappearing anytime you’re not needed for work and basically off the face of the earth since no one can get hold of you?” Calum glares.

“Fuck sake, this again?” I laugh as I tip my head back against the cushion. “That was just me being stupid and now that I have my head back in the game, your complaining? Plus, since when did you ever care where I went?”

“We are complaining because throwing yourself into work and disappearing all the time is not right, it’s not healthy either. So yes we are going to want to know what is going on.” Ashton shoots back from his place across from me.

“We want to know where you disappear to because nobody can get hold of you when you’ve gone and you don’t think we’re worried that something has happened to you and we wouldn’t know because we can’t call you and nobody knows where you are.” Michael answers my other question.

“I am not doing this with you right now.” I mumble as I eye each of them before shoving through the gap between Calum and Michael shoulders to leave.

“There you go again, running off and disappearing. Run as much as you want Lucas but your problems will catch up with you one day and we won’t be there to save you if you keep pushing us away.” Calum shouts after, making me freeze on the top step of the bus.

There is no movement from the backroom but I know they can still see me. “We’ll never know then, will we?” I reply before exiting the bus and ignoring anyone that tries to stop me on my way to my destination.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once again this week I am sitting at the bar of a club in the middle of the city. This is the second time I’ve been here this week but there are other clubs I’ve visited since we arrived here.

“Rough day, buddy?” The bartender strikes up conversation.

“Something like that.” I reply as I sip my drink.

“Do you wanna talk about it? I get off work in a little while, we can talk then.” He offers as he leans against the bar directly across from me.

“Here?” I ask carefully.

“If you want or we could go in the back...or you could even come round mine if you really don’t want to be spotted.” The last part catches my attention and when I go to ask he laughs softly. “I know who you are kid; I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” He jokes at the end and I can’t help but feel comfortable around him.

“Sure, but right about now I don’t think I have anyone to tell anything to, so whatever happens here tonight will only ever stay here and in our memories.” I mumble, downcast as I remember my situation.

Like promised, he gets off work 15 minutes later and I soon find myself laughing and joking around with him on the way to his place.

“You know, you haven’t told me your name.” I smirk.

He laughs. “True. I haven’t, have I?” he teases, laughing more when I push him. “My name is Hayden, Hayden Rhys.” I go to introduce myself but he stops me. “And, you are Luke Hemmings.”

I nod before following him up a flight of steps to a front door and waiting patiently as he opens it before following him in. I take my shoes off and hang my coat up before following him into the kitchen and leaning against the counter.

I observe him for a second before speaking up. “How old are you Hayden?”

He looks over his shoulder at me before replying. “Why don’t you guess first.”

“Umm...20?” I mumble unsurely.

“Thanks for that, but no.” He says as he carries our drinks to the living room and flops down onto a well worn couch. “You don’t have to look so shifty, I don’t bite and I definitely don’t swing that way.”

I sink down next to him before I continue guessing his age.

“Older or younger?”

“Older.” He replies.

“..25?”

He shakes his head. “Nope but you were close. I’m 26.”

“Oh, I thought you were closer to my age.”

“I noticed. I know this whole situation seems shady but I promise you that I have innocent intentions. You needed someone to talk to and wanted to avoid being spotted. If it make you feel any more comfortable, my fiancée will be home from work soon and you can meet her...” He raises an eyebrow, seeming amused by my reaction.

“This is not how I planned to spend the rest of my day and maybe night but thank you for this.” I mumble after a while of silence.

“You're a good kid, I remember being your age and feeling like nobody understood me and what went on so I started escaping my world too, disappearing and hiding away. I met someone and he showed me that the right people do understand...we stayed in contact so when I admitted that I couldn’t afford my bills, he offered me a job in his bar. I still work there today, the same bar we met in tonight actually, but he made me promise that I would do the same if I ever saw a kid in a situation like mine. I will listen to you Luke...stay here tonight if it comes to it.” He explains.

I nod before the door can be heard and a girl around his age comes in and greets me and Hayden, before announcing that she is off to bed and warning us jokingly not to stay up too late.

“I can’t believe I wasted the day away.” I murmur. “At least we didn’t have a show or I would be in even more trouble.”

He laughs before turning to face me properly. “So what’s going on Luke, what doesn’t everyone else understand?”

With that I tell him everything and once I am finished I feel like the weight on my shoulders has been lifted.

“I don’t blame you for running to be honest.” He mumbles, cutting the silence after my confession off. “Maybe he feels the same and that’s why he is so adamant for you to work this out?” he offers.

“But he was still flirting with everything that moves, even earlier today. If he really cared, why is he still doing it?”

“Because when we are scared or want to stay hidden, we rely on the behaviours that we have been taught. Maybe, like you, he doesn’t like it but he doesn’t want to stand out so he plays along to keep up the act that he has created.”

I slump when I realise just how much truth his words could hold. “I don’t want them to hate me...” I mumble sadly as I look down, playing with my hands.

“If someone who has basically just met you can’t hate you, then I really doubt people who have known you for years could either.” He retorts before pulling me into his side. “You're a good kid; you just need to see that. Anyone would be lucky to even spend 5 minutes with you, I know in my heart that you will get him – you’re a little bit hard to resist when you want to be.” He teases me.

“Thank you for this.” I mumble. “Can we keep in contact?” I ask quietly.

“You really thought you would get away that easily.” He laughs as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and hands it to me.

I shoot him a smile as I sit up, I quickly add my number to his contacts before texting myself before handing it back to him. Then I add his number to my phone via the text.

I yawn softly which results in a chuckle from Hayden before he motions me to follow him upstairs. Soon he has set me up in his guest room and I am out for the count.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning I wake up pretty early, once dressed I make my way downstairs and spot both Hayden and his fiancée, whose name I never caught, eating breakfast. I pass up their offer of some food saying that I’ll get some with the boys when I get back and both bid me goodbye before I set off from their house back to the bus, but not before they both hug me on the doorstep and tell me to stay in contact – no doubt there will be pictures of that moment on magazines within hours and online even quicker.

As I walk I think over the past 24 hours and feel like the weight I was carrying has eased a bit, I still have some to carry until I actually tell him but at least I have a better idea of where my head is right now.

Soon I am back at the car park containing the bus and I don’t even make it halfway across the parking lot before I am tackled into a hug by three bodies. I groan as I hit the ground but make no attempt to move them as I know I’ve missed them just as much as they have me – when you’re around certain people 24/7 then you become quite attached to them and it’s weird for them not to be there.

“We were so worried about you Lukey.” Ashton exclaims as he helps me up after they have all moved.

“Not just then you weren’t, you could have given me a concussion you know? Tackling someone onto a concrete floor is dangerous...there I was thinking that I was meant to be the most reckless one.” I grumble as I dust of my clothes and walk alongside them.

“You were reckless though Luke.” Michael retorts. “You were gone all night and all we get is a few blurry pictures from fans that have “spotted” you and posted them online.”

“I told you I was going out though.” I reply as I climb up the stairs and make my way to my bunk to grab clean clothes. “Now if you excuse me lads, I have a shower to take and I don’t plan on having a conversation during it so we can resume this after.”

They grumble but let me go to my shower. I wash away the grime of the night before and take a few moments to relish the feeling of the water beating down on me before getting out and drying off. Once I am dressed, I shave and try to do something with my hair before giving up and shoving on a beanie.

I grab toast from the kitchen area before joining the lads in the backroom, already knowing that as soon as I enter I will be bombarded with questions.

“Where did you go?” is the first question fired at me as soon as the door opens and the culprit is Mr Calum Hood.

“I went to a bar.”

“Who were you with?” Michael.

“The bartender.” He looks confused so I continue. “He struck up a conversation, we got along alright and he knew who I was but treated me like a normal human.”

“Fine, where’d you stay?” This time it was Ashton.

I hesitate but answer honestly knowing that even though they won’t like it, lying would have made it worse. “I stayed at his house. We talked and he actually made everything in my head make sense for once.” I take a deep breath and continue when no one speaks. “These past few weeks have been hell in my head and nothing was making sense but for once, after spending time with him and his fiancée, I finally understand it, I can finally make sense of what is going on and actually get it now.”

“So you just talked, slept over and left this morning? It's that simple?” Calum asks sceptically.

“It's that simple.” I respond. “I have his number if I ever need him again but otherwise just to talk. He actually helped me and I can’t thank him enough for that.”

Ashton looks unsure for a second before seeming to let it go with a simple “As long as you are safe.”

Michael watches me for a few moments before shrugging and turning to set up a game on the TV.

Calum also watches me but sighs before mumbling “We were worried Lukey, you could have called you know.”

“I could have but I didn’t want the lecture so I didn’t. I’m alive and that’s all that matters.” I shrug before catching the controller that Mikey throws my way and agreeing to play against him.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Heard you guys have a show tonight.” Hayden’s voice comes through the speaker on the phone as I work on getting ready for the show tonight. We’re still in the same city, management found us a place that had 2 spare rooms so they got us in and we’re sharing like old times, though wevstill share quite a lot anyway.

“We do but I’m pretty sure you have work tonight.” I reply, pulling on my shoes while my eyes look for my jacket anywhere around the room. 

“I asked for the day off because Emily wanted to go to a friend’s concert so we got hold of last minute tickets, which were pretty hard to find may I add.”

“Do I know this friend?” I tease.

“Maybe.” He replies. There is a pause where he is talking to someone in the background which I presume is Emily, his fiancée whose name he only told me earlier today. “Anyway, have you told him yet?”

“Let's be honest here, do you really think I have done anything but ignore that anything has changed for the last 3 days?”

“Probably not.” He laughs. “The longer you wait the harder it will be Lukester.”

I grumble about the nickname he has given me but pick up the phone and turn it off of speaker mode as I make my way out of the room and towards the boys who are by the elevator.

“We can’t all get away with cheesy lines and sweep them off their feet.” I retort which gets me a weird look off of the boys before they roll their eyes in understanding when they notice the phone. “Don’t think Emily didn’t tell me all about what you did and how unromantic that shit was.”

“Well it worked didn’t it.” He tries to argue. “At least I tried instead of waiting around for something to happen.”

“Ouch, low blow that one.” I act hurt.

“When are you lot going on stage, I am freezing my ass off out here?”

“We’re only just leaving the hotel now.” I reply as I duck down to get into the car. “If it makes you feel any better I can come round to the front to get you two so you don’t turn into little ice cubes before the show even starts.” I tease.

“You better follow through on that promise Lukester.” I hear Emily shout into the receiver which makes me pull it away from my ear with a wince, and I even see the other guys look wide eyed at the phone.

“A little loud there Ems.” I grumble. “Look, I am going to go but I will come and get you two, I promise, now hold in there while our driver tries to get through the traffic but we’ll be there soon.”

“You better.” Hayden jokingly warns before letting me go with a cheeky goodbye of his own kind.

“That your bartender guy?” Michael asks.

I nod. “Yeah, he and his fiancée are currently freezing outside the venue because they wanted to see me in action up on stage instead of on videos taken by other people.”

“Does that mean we get to meet them finally?” Ashton asks hopefully.

“Yes Ashton, you will get to meet them because I said I would bring them backstage.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wave to a few fans but ignore most of the screaming as I scan the crowds for my friends. The guards on either side of me were reluctant to bring me here but I didn’t leave them much choice when I walked out of the door and was almost instantly spotted.

After a second I see Hayden and Emily leaning back against the wall, looking quite casual compared to the people around them. I laugh quietly too myself before dialling Hayden’s number and watching him answer.

“Where are you Lukester?” He demands to know.

I giggle slightly. “Look up Hayd.”

When he looks up I give him a wave and he instantly grabs Emily hands and makes his way through the crowd as the guards make room for them to get through the barricade.

As soon as they are through they instantly attach themselves to me in a tight hug.

“As much as I am loving this, we need to move back inside before they get too crazy.”

They laugh before each grabbing one of my hands and we skip along behind the guards as we go back inside the building via the back door. We swing our hands as we walk down the corridor before I kick the door open since neither want to let go of my hands.

“Boys, meet my loyal followers that are currently glued to me.” I raise my right hand. “This is Emily.” Then I raise my left hand. “And this is Hayden.”

Michael laughs before waving hello and the other two give overenthusiastic hellos.

“Is this the guy you met at the bar and went home with?” Calum asks.

“I was the bartender but yeah that’s me but if you’re worried about me stealing Lukester then you don’t have to be because I am engaged to Emily.”

“Lukester?” Michael teases.

“A name these two insist on calling me.” I reply as I drag them over to the sofa and get them to let go. “Stay.” I command them which makes them both laugh.

“We’re not your pets but fine we’ll stay here while you get ready.” Emily pretends to be hurt for a second before the smile returns to her face.

I grumble at them playfully but leave them alone in favour of taking my clothes with me to the bathroom so I can get changed. Once changed, I open the door slightly, getting ready to leave, before it is shoved open and I am pushed back into the room and the door is shut again.

“What is stopping you? I have been here 10 minutes and already feel like part of the gang, what makes you think being honest with them or even just him would make this any different?”

I sigh as I lean back against the sink. “I just can’t, not yet at least. I need time if anything.”

“I hate to say it Luke, but time isn’t something you have. Things in your lifestyle come and go fast and you need to get this one before you lose it.” Hayden sighs.

“I know that Hayd but I just...cant.”

Just as he goes to reply there is a knock on the door as they shout to tell me we have to get wired up to go on in 15 minutes.

“We’ll talk later or something.” I mumble quickly. “I have to go now.” I take my exit and leave him there as I leave the dressing room and make my way to the techs to get wired up.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“How are you all doing tonight?” Michael’s voice echoes through the arena and my in-ears. The crowd cheers and screams in response and he takes that as a positive. “So we want to slow it down a little now, so does anyone have any objections to us playing one of our slower songs?” When there are no objections he continues. “Good, this is Amnesia.”

With that he begins he chords as we move out of the spotlight for the time being and let Calum do his thing. Ash and Mikey play parts in the song but I only having singing parts so I take my guitar off for the time being and grab my mic as I walk down the platform and sit on the edge facing the crowd.

I spot Hayd and Emily being cute and singing along and I give them a wave when they wave enthusiastically at me. When it gets to my part I split it between me and the crowd and join Calum for the chorus.

As I sing the last part of the song I can’t help but feel slightly sad about how true these words are especially when nobody realises how much it hurts to hide things like this...

**_“Cause I’m not fine at all_ **

**_No, I’m really not fine at all_ **

**_Tell me this is just a dream_ **

**_Cause I’m really not fine at all...”_ **

I let the last note drag out before my eyes meet Hayden’s and I look away quickly when I see the pity in his eyes. I don’t want pity, I never asked for pity.

“That was beautiful guys.” Ashton exclaims into his mic, making me jump and come back to reality.

“We only have one more song left and we hope you enjoyed this show because this has got to have been our favourite show this tour.” Calum speaks next, talking into his mic as his eyes scan the crowd and then he turns to face Ash when he calls out something to him, not through the mics though so I can't be 100% sure what was said.

I sigh softly before making my way slowly back towards the boys and grabbing my guitar from where it was leaning against Ashton’s platform. I hear Ashton move before he is crouching just in front of me, still on his platform.

“You alright Lukey? You seem a little out of it.” He says into my ear.

I nod and give him a small smile even though I don’t feel like it though. “I’m good. I guess my hype ran out and I’m just running on low again now.”

“Let the fans take your singing parts if it gets too much, we can’t have our lead singer dying on us now.” He warns jokingly. “Focus on your guitar if that’s all you feel like doing.” He reassures before ruffling my hair and disappearing back to his stool behind the kit.

I huff out a deep breath before walking up to my mic as the other two finish their little chat section that they decided to have while Ashton was talking to me quickly.

“Okay, enough chit-chat. Let’s finish off this show with a bang.” Mikey shouts into his mic which makes me wince sincw it was pretty loud before placing my fingers where they need to be for the song coming up.

“This is What I Like About You. We love you guys and we’ll see you next time.” He finishes as we begin the chords.

As we go through the song, I can tell that both the fans and the other boys notice the difference as I only do parts of my quota and leave the fans doing the rest. I keep up guitar wise but I feel like if I open my mouth I am going to break down or something so I do the bare minimum.

As the last note rings out through the air, I shrug off my guitar and approach the boys where they have already made a line. I am brought into the line in between Cal and Ash, the latter of which has a tight grip on my waist.

We do our final bow and then exit after a few minutes, Ashton still has a firm hold of me as we wait for the guards to bring Hayd and Emily backstage. Once they appear he still holds onto my wrist as he leads us back to the dressing room.

“I’m not a child; I know where I am going you know?” I complain after being dragged round numerous corners.

Hayd nudges me in the ribs and I stay quiet for the rest of the walk and drop down into a chair as the others change. Hayd and Emily stay with me but don’t say anything, as if they know that I am on the verge of breaking down.

I tip my head back as I feel my head swirl with thoughts, making me feel dizzier by the second as I try to keep up with them. I am falling for a boy, a boy who happens to be my best friend and this whole situation is destroying everything I’ve ever known about myself and taking me down in the process.

I groan softly as I push myself up from the chair and go to walk out, feeling the need for fresh air but I hardly make it a few steps before I feel my legs give out as the dizziness takes over and gives way to darkness. I don’t know if I hit the ground because everything is just gone in a split second.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel hands all over and slight shaking but none of it really registers in my brain. As time ticks by, I slowly feel reality catch up with me hearing wise but I can’t open my eyes yet as they still feel like they weigh a ton.

“Hayden, get water. And towels.” Emily, I think orders, as other voices can be heard.

I feel like I’m slipping again but I am brought back again as I feel coolness on my face and neck. It feels good and grounds me at the same time.

“C’mon Luke. Wake up buddy.” I hear Hayden mumble from somewhere in front of me and it’s only then that I realise that I have been rolled onto my side, my guess is that it prevents me from swallowing my tongue or choking.

I feel two other cool towels working over various places as I come round more, soon a soft noise escapes and I can hear multiple sighs in relief.

“Luke, open your eyes baby.” Emily calls softly, and I can’t help but feel slightly better that she is the one in control of the situation given that she is a nurse. “Luke, focus on us and open your eyes.”

With what feels like a lot of effort, I slowly come round enough that I can open my eyes. It takes a second but eventually my eye sight clears and I can see things better even if they are still a little blurry.

“There we are.” She says softly before I feel her testing my temperature. “Can you sit up for us?” She asks as she grabs something from Hayd.

I’m a little sluggish but I can lift up enough but find out quickly that getting up isn’t the problem, its staying upright. Just when I feel like giving up, I feel someone slide in behind me so I am leaning on their chest with their legs either side of me to cage me in as they keep me upright.

Emily gives whoever a thankful smile before helping me drink from the bottle she is holding. It’s slow going but with each sip I can feel my head clearing a bit.

“What happened Luke? You just got up walked like 3 steps and went down...Hayd caught you before you hit your head but you were so gone.” Michael mumbles sadly as he rests his hand on whoever’s leg but far enough over that his fingers are touching me.

I could recognise that move anywhere. It’s something he does when he is uncomfortable, unsure or sad about something. I can’t work out what he is feeling right now but I recognise the mannerism. He won’t admit it or even fully touch, just be close enough that he can feel you close or enough that you know he is there.

I shake my head softly because I don’t know before resting it back and letting my eyes slip closed. Hayden is holding one of my hands and I think Ashton has my other arm as I feel fingers rubbing gently on my wrist.

“I noticed during the show that he didn’t drink much but I thought it was just me worrying. But when the last song came around he wasn’t looking so good and I mentioned it to Hayd and he agreed.” Emily starts explaining but I can’t focus as everything still feels woozy and heavy at the same time.  She seems to see this as she stops mid story to get me to drink more before getting Hayd to keep giving me sips of water every now and again. “Anyway, as I was saying, he stumbled a bit on the way back and looked a little sluggish. When Ashton went back to the kit and Luke started up the song he didn’t look completely there and I heard a few others around us getting worried about him.” She pauses to give me a quick once over as the person holding me nudges me a bit and sits me up better although I groan in complaint.

“During the final bow I noticed Ashton's hold on him and when we got back here and on the walk back, he wasn’t looking any better and I could literally feel the heat coming off of him. I guess he wanted to cool off when he got up but he ended up passing out. He is overheated and dehydrated which isn’t the best combination but is fixable. It could have been worse so let’s be thankful for that at least.” She finishes.

I feel the person I am leaning on nuzzle my hair softly before a soft kiss is paced on my shoulder. I slump more into them and this seems to make them worry a little.

“How is he doing?” They ask, even though they’re close I can’t work out who they are – but they're comfy to lay on so that’s a plus.

“Luke.” Hayd calls as I feel the bottle close to my mouth again. I groan weakly and shake my head. “Luke you need to drink if you want to feel better.” He reprimands me as he tries again but I still shake my head.

I hear our guards come in before hands bring me to my feet and my arms are wrapped around their shoulders as they keep me upright. Emily explains the situation to our tour manager as we walk – or in my case, dragged since my body still doesn’t seem to want to co-operate - to the car that will take us to the hotel.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning I wake up with a clearer head and the dizziness has gone thankfully. I can hear others around the room and vague memories of the night before come back and remind me that everyone stayed here to make sure I was going to be alright.

I feel a hand running through my hair as it registers that I am lying on someone’s chest, my head moving as they breathe in and out. I can hear quiet conversation going on but whoever I am using as a pillow has not said anything in the time that I’ve been awake, content to just run their hand through my hair and probably make it look more presentable that it looked before they started.

Although I am not paying attention to a lot of the chatter a comment made by Hayden seems to catch everyone’s attention as it goes quiet and suddenly I am interested in what he has to say too.

“Bet he is loving that attention.” He laughs.

“What do you mean?” Ashton asks confused.

“If he was awake right now he probably would have tried to avoid the contact. Also, last night he was so out of it he had no clue who was holding him, he just accepted that someone was there and was content to lay on them because they were comfortable.” Hayd laughs.

“Hayd shut up. You’re meant to be on his side not spreading his secrets.” Emily reprimands.

“Oh come on Em, I was just saying.” He whines.”He’ll probably never tell them anyway so what harm am I doing?”

I feel slightly betrayed by him but what he says makes sense. Without an extra push I probably won’t tell them – so I understand his intentions even if they sound a little harsh to an outsider.

I feel whoever it is under my head shift before they speak quietly. “Well whatever it is that you know, at least give him chance to tell us himself before you go spilling it.”

The voice is recognisable straight away and I can believe I didn’t figure it out earlier – even the scent gives him away. I am lying on the one person that this whole situation was started by. Out of every member in the band, why is it that Calum is the one I end up using as a pillow.

As soon as he spoke, I froze but my thoughts are cut short as I feel him shift me a bit until his mouth rests against my temple and his hands rub my back gently.

“Calm down Lukey, it’s just me. You're fine now, just rest.” He mumbles softly as I can feel his mouth move against my head.

I hear someone snicker which is definitely Hayd before I hear a smack and then the same person whimper. It serves him right to be honest so I’m not saving him. I settle down again but have to get up again soon when I need the toilet.

On the way back I notice my attire – sweats and nothing else. I pause halfway across the room which gets me strange looks from the others as I try to remember but nothing comes up so I look up confused.

“Who changed me?” I ask, unsure if I want to know the answer once I see the smirk on Hayd’s face.

“Your boyfriend did.” He says quickly before Emily can put her hand over his mouth. I try not to give him a reaction since i know he was refering to Calum.

I look down and scan my outfit before one detail sticks out to me – I have nothing on under these sweats so that means that Calum saw a lot more of me than I am comfortable with right now  – and that makes me blush.

I can’t look him in the eyes as I move back towards the bed and lay down, this time on the opposite side to where Calum is. I face away from them and wrap the covers round my waist before just staring ahead of me. When I hear one of them go to speak I slap my hands over my ears – I don’t want to hear any of it, I have had enough embarrassing moments already and I have only just woken up.

I tense when I feel a body move closer to me and arms wrap securely around my waist and pull me back until they are spooning me. They nuzzle into my neck before just resting there but I don’t need to turn around to know who it is since only one other is on the bed and there is no other weight anywhere else so it’s definitely them.

I feel their hands move and my hands are brought away from my ears and they link our hands and leave them while their arm rests across my hip although I notice they use this to their advantage and once again move closer until I can feel everything - and I mean everything.

I can hear the others but they don’t seem to care about what I am enduring or are just trying to make it sound like they don’t know what he is doing.

“Calum, stop.” I grumble when he moves himself even closer once again, I'm pretty sure there no possible way for us to be any closer other than being physical and i really don't want to think about that kind of stuff when he is right there.

He shushes me before letting my hand go as his travels further up to draw patterns on my chest which makes goose bumps rise. I feel him smile but I stop his hand before he can try anything inappropriate.

“Stop Calum.” I demand, getting more annoyed with his teasing than I usually would but this just feels cruel to me right now.

He huffs before kissing my shoulder and intertwining our fingers again as he rests with his face once again nuzzled into my neck and body as close to me as physically possible.

I sigh but let it happen as I listen to the other conversations and let them lull me to sleep.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Any chance we can bring you two on tour? I mean you know more about Luke’s reactions than we do right now and you can come in handy. I mean Emily is a nurse and with the amount of injuries we sustain it could help.” Michael asks in full seriousness.

That was the first thing I have heard when I woke up. I register that Calum is no longer wrapped around me and sigh contently as I roll onto my back. I rest there with my eyes closed as Michael begs Hayd and Em to join us on tour. Hayd eventually gets bored and tells Michael that he’ll see what he can do before he starts talking about something else. But before long he asks a question I wish he hadn’t.

“If Luke liked one of you, what would you do?”

“That depends on which one of us it is.” Ashton replies.

“Yeah, I mean none of us would react badly but it would be weird to know that my mate liked me if it was me because I don’t see him in that way.” Michael speaks up. “Although I know one of us who would have no qualms with it.” He laughs at the end and Ashton giggles too.

I hear movement before someone whispers something to someone else but it’s too quiet for me so I give up trying and just relax back again. A few minutes later I feel weight on the mattress but stay ‘asleep’ but when it moves closer is when I am get unsure.

I hear giggling before Hayd says something along the lines of “do it”.

I hear a sigh before the weight moves and I feel a body so close to me and a breath on my face. It makes me jump slightly and my eyes shoot open instantly spotting Calum nothing more than an inch from my face.

“Calum what are you doing?” I ask worriedly.

“Something I should have done a long time ago.” He replies before closing the distance and connecting our lips.

I am too shocked to respond for a few seconds but when he goes to pull away I pull him closer and kiss him back. The weight I have been carrying around for so long is gone and I feel free for the first time in a long while. I pull away first and take a deep breath, finally feeling like I can breathe properly.

Calum shifts and for a second I am scared he is going to leave as I grab hold of his shirt but he just settles against my side facing the guys who give us wide smiles.

“You were running out of time Lukester so I made you face your fears.” Hayd smirks.

“Well I’m not leaving you behind when we go so you’re going to have enough time to do that to everyone.” I turn my head to face him. He looks confused for a second before Em says something to him which makes realisation appear on his face.

“You think you can put up with us?”

“You think YOU can put up with us?” I smirk.

“You really thought you could get away that easily.” He laughs which brings a smile to my face.

“No but I wasn’t going to let you get away that easily either.” I reply.

This gets a laugh out of everyone and soon we are just enjoying the day, except for Hayd and Em who had to go home to pack since it was confirmed that they can come.

Calum leans down to where I am laying, playing on my now fixed phone, next to him. He kisses me before mumbling, “I can’t believe you were scared of me. I couldn’t hate you if I tried, you know? I would give you anything if it meant you were happy, I want you to know that.”

“Anything?” I smirk.

He seems to catch on before reply, “Yeah, anything so long as you go the right way about asking for it.”

I look over to the other two who are fast asleep and cuddling quite close and think it over. “It can be arranged but not tonight. First, I want to get those two to see what is right in front of their eyes.”

He hums before nodding, "Sure but not tonight." He mumbles before settling down next to me.

**Author's Note:**

> This took ages to write but I got it done. I wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to two of my amazing friends who helped me to make this happen and kept me sane throughout the whole thing, so thank you for that.
> 
> Thanks for reading guys.  
> Give it kudo's if you liked it and comment if you have any idea's. There will be a second part at some point to show Luke's plan so don't worry but I cant be sure how long that will take so bare with me.  
> See ya around  
> :P


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